You Kill Yourself ONE TIME and All of a Sudden Everyone Calls You Dead
Doran Steinfeld
Content Warning: I talk about suicide. SHOCKER! /srs
I AM NOT DEAD! The only “dead” I am is drop dead gorgeous. I have not seen the light (nor will I ever, the light has to see me), and my heartbeat has remained a healthy 243 BPM consistently for my whole life. Aubrey Plaza as Voldemort as Death (see Figure 1.) has yet to come collect my dead soul, and I am still on this mortal plane (for now. Once I figure out how to escape to IDGAFtopolis, it’s over for you bitches).
To be honest, I don’t understand these allegations. I’ve never even played dead (it’s not funny. Don’t joke about that.) However when I do some inner reflection and think about all the amazing things I’ve done for the world, one slight hiccup comes to mind. The time that I killed myself. I think that perhaps people heard this and just made the giant crazy assumption leap that I was dead, even though I ONLY DID IT ONCE!!! It’s ludicracy and defamation, and you know what they say about what happens when you assume: nothing at first, but then Prime Olga Syphil will rip open a portal into our universe and stick her hand so far up your ass that it can slap your face (because it’s up in there too!), so….
Now, some of you may be asking, how is it possible that you survived your suicide? And to that, I have one simple answer: hatred. I am a hater at heart, and a hater at mouth. Just like Maul from Star Wars, I can survive anything, as long as I have hatred to fuel me. Who’s the hatred for? If you’re asking this question, it’s you. Stop being so fucking nosy and be more like Aubrey Plaza as Voldemort as Death (see Figure 1.) and serve nosyless face and cunt. Unless you’re Jewish, then it’s okay. It’s our culture - that’s why I’m allowed to be nosy and you’re not (but you’re not allowed to call me nosy - I’m not). /srs. Don’t joke about that. Enjoy this photo of an odd pole I found in South Boston Waterfront (see Figure 2.).
I know you dumbfucks reading this probably don’t know where to look for the photos. Just scroll down. It’s called an Appendix. Learn what that is and keep yours healthy, or Prime Olga Syphil will slap that too while she’s up there.
Appendix
Beautiful Pictures
Figure 1.
Figure 2.