We Are Not the Same: You Poop Till You’re Done, I Poop Till My Leg Falls Asleep
By Doran Steinfeld
Hello, Pinky-Nation. As a writer for an honest publication that cares about honest journalism, I feel that I should come clean and be as transparent as I can when writing this article.
For starters, I am currently on the toilet as I write this. I could give photo evidence, but even I have some limits when it comes to what I’m willing to put on the internet under my name. And I’ve done some crazy things! Just read my articles, and you’ll be enchanted by my IDGAFness (unless you’re trying to hire me… but it’s okay if you’re trying to hire me for, like, a comedy thing or something, in which case - hire me pls :3).
I am also actively molting into my third phase, and will finish the hatching process in 2 half-moon cycles. You know, just girly things.
But this is neither here nor there. This is toilet time, and mine is way more special and fantastical than yours could ever be.
For starters: it hurts. My best friend Olga Syphil always used to tell me that “if it hurts, that’s how you know it’s good.” I speak of her in the past tense not because she is dead (you wish! She’s an 8th dimensional being, she can’t die lol), but because I have free will, and don’t you forget it. Back to my poopy time; it hurts, which means there will always be great reward for the pain I endure. Half the time. Scratch that, more like a quarter. Ehhhhh, maybe an eighth.
It’s also a little frightful. If there’s one thing everyone knows about me, it's that I love a good spook. “You know Doran, oh, how he loves his little spooks!” And that I do. Sitting on the toilet is a scary thing. Ever since I grew the imagination bone in the brain, I started imagining horrible things like giant spiders crawling up the tube and snatching at my buttocks. It adds a sense of edge and suspense to the experience; will I get clawed, or will I evade the imaginary creature yet again?
I also just have celiac disease. I’m not explaining this again. If you still don’t know what this is, go read my other article and come back. Are my shitstorms always celiac reactions? Probably not, but with all that celiac disease has taken from me, I think it’s more than fair for me to take a little back by using it as an excuse. #yesibelievethatequity>equality
And oop! It’s about that time. I’ve been sitting here for so long (writing this) that my left leg is starting to feel a tingly sensation. It’s falling asleep! Now, a normal person would take this as a sign to stop and come back another time, but we are not the same. I’m only halfway (if that!) through my movement, and I have an article to write. Sorry left leg, looks like you’re gonna have to wait. Maybe right leg will join you soon?
Sitting here, I do find myself in a pickle. I feel that there is more, and yet, nothing is coming out (#welcometotrump’samerica😔). This is when I would pull out the squatty potty, and get to work. However, I’m a college student living on Buswell. I have no such thing. But I do have a trash can. Time to kick off the pants, put those grippers on the edge, and lean forward in horrible posture.
BOOM! It’s working. Haha. Knew it. I’m a pro.
But wait…
Uh oh….
The tingling has only gotten worse. My left leg is practically buzzing. In my mind, it’s just buzzing with excitement, because it knows that this is going to work, but what if…
No. I have no time to waste. It’s the last full week of school. I have shit to do, and not enough time to do it. I must finish this battle and move on to another one. And there’s only one way to do that.
Push.
And push.
And clench!
And then push.
PLOP!
I look down to see my creation.
Hold on. Something’s wrong.
That’s not a glorious mountain of excrement….
It’s a copy of my Apple Music Replay! Here are my stats!
Side note: I am mad. HOW is there barely any Janelle Monáe in my top albums, despite the fact that she’s my top artist and takes up most of my top songs (trust. The top 100 is filled with her.)? I have an evil theory. I bet that Apple Music doesn’t consider it an “album listen” if you don’t go to the actual album and click play, which I think is stupid, because when I listen to Janelle Monáe, I go to my playlist titled “literally janelle monáe’s entire discography in order” and click on the first song of the album I want to listen to. WHERE IS ARCHANDROID ON MY LIST APPLE MUSIC!!!