There are pluses and minuses to radicalizing ones mother.
We reach a point in our weird little almost adults lives where our parents become aware of our social views of the world. I am deeply proud of how my own midwestern mother took learning all the pronouns like a champ. That girl can spot a he/they from a mile away.
I fear one issue has arisen. Perhaps, she has become too sex positive.
One day me and my bestie were on FaceTime with my mom (but of course) and she chose to show us the new book series she was reading -- as a very demure, very mindful, and very woke middle school teacher, I braced myself to hear about one of John Green's manic pixie dream girls (a classic).
And so I, of course, am immediately horrified when my screen is filled with the debaucherous name of none other than Sarah J Mass. The traitor and freak that I once called my best friend lights up and she immediately begins asking my mom about which fairy slut so far has been her favorite.
Rats! The floodgates have opened! My mom discovered fairy smut, aka straight people sex with very poorly hidden undertones of furryism. What am I to do?! I don’t believe in slut shaming in 2024 the year of our savior
Little did I know where my forced approval of all fairy humping would lead. The next week my mom mailed me and my friend the entire box set of ACOTAR to read alongside her. There is something out of body having your mom ask you whether or not you “got to the blow job yet” and there is a deep betrayal in watching you best friend text YOUR mom about which fairies give the best head while she giggles and kicks her feet in YOUR bed.
I could stand reading smut with my own mother. I could even stand my friends quoting phrases like “nipples hard like pebbles” with her during every school visit. The straw that finally broke the camel’s back, however, was when I found out my mom was not only brainwashing my community, but has been advertising the ACOTAR series to all the teachers she works with! They were talking fairy dick at the damn staff meeting!
It must stop! I can not idly stand by while the entirety of my hometown educators are too busy talking about wing sensitivity to teach! I have created the reality Ron Desantis fears!?
I must start banning books in my own household. Like any good vigilante I did the only logical step and while I was home this past summer, and started whispering republican conspiracy theories into my moms phone. I knew it worked when she started sending me those AI generated photos of Jesus you can find on facebook. I am happy to report that conversion therapy via republican indoctrination works and my mother is now free from the shackles of the Siren Song of Sarah J Maas and all smut writers alike.
Wait… what’s Crescent City?
Duty calls: the fairies have turned into fairy frat bros that smoke fairy weed and let women sit on their faces. I can’t let this get out.