I didn’t get any superpowers. I didn’t turn into a werewolf. I didn’t even gain any insights into the difference between someone’s sun, moon, and rising signs even though my roommate keeps trying to explain it to me (she’s a virgo).
What I did get was naked.
It all happened so fast. One minute, I was sitting with my friends, enjoying the ambiance of BU Beach and relishing the fact that all it takes to satisfy college students amid two on-campus strikes is sunshine and 65° weather. The next, I was butt naked, the only thing on me were my eclipse glasses over my eyes.
I looked around. No one else was naked, but at the same time, no one seemed to care that there was a possibility I could end up on a sex offenders list.
The issue with gorgeous days on this godforsaken campus is that the tours will always find a way to ruin them. And even though I hated the way they walked too slowly and how they always took up the entire sidewalk, I knew in my heart that I had to warn the prospective students about how enrolling here put their outfits at risk of vanishing.
But why didn’t they say anything? Why were the parents not concerned about the random nudity on campus? Why didn’t those high schoolers look at my nice gorgeous boobs and think to themselves, “Well gee, I can’t compete with those bad boys. I hope I can avoid the embarrassment of losing my clothes when I don’t even go here.”
Feeling absolutely crazy, I used my phone to look at myself, because again, why did no one care about my indecent exposure?
My eyes! They’re red! How could this be? Despite my fear, I hoped it would develop into laser vision. Then I could eradicate all the “interviewers” who walk around asking people what they would rate themselves on a scale of 1-10 by cutting them in half. I could be an X-Man.
Fortunately for my enemies but unfortunately for me, I physically could not move, so I accepted defeat on the park bench. Smoke filled the air around me, and I hoped it would somehow cover me up. I then remembered the tiny little joint my friend had passed to me before my clothes went missing…
I had thought that taking a little more of it would bring my clothes back. If anything went wrong, I had my inhaler in my bag! I mean, it’s not like someone ever died of cancer while using it. Maybe this will send me right over the edge. Maybe... I’ll get superpowers anyway…
[UPDATE: I was greening out. My clothes were still on, I went nonverbal on the BU Beach and accidentally stared right into the eclipse. Most importantly, I passed that j around the circle for an obscene amount of time.]