Have you ever been sitting down for a nice meal in the restaurant named Ms. Ilabinnac, enjoying some juicy, tender meat, when your server comes by, interrupting your slurping time by bringing your meal? And have you ever dug into said meal, thinking that it was some steak? And then have you ever wolfed that shit down so fast that the server actually offers you a refill? And then have you ever denied them because you were just feeling a little too full? And then have you ever sat there full to the brim, only for your server to tap you on the shoulder and say, “Sooooo….. What if I told you that you actually just ate your birth mother’s internal organ….?”
Situations like these are NOT okay. And unfortunately, these types of fucked up questions are being asked to poor unsuspecting innocents globally. But don’t fear! I have compiled a list of all these said questions, so that you can be on guard. Attached with each question is the correct response, for if you answer the wrong answer, you run the risk of appearing like you fell out of a coconut tree and gaining unwanted attention from Kamala Harris.
- “Hey, would you mind helping me out with a little project I’m doing? We’re trying to build a machine capable of withstanding a million kilojoules of pressure of all kinds, including peer.”
If someone asks you this question, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT, explain to them that you would actually love to help because your father is a world renowned physicist that studies pressure and that your mom is a globally revered lawyer who just goes up to the judge stand and peer pressures the judge into giving her the win. If you say this, you might accidentally come off as a spoiled brat, and that’s bad. Your true intentions should be to come off as a bragger. The correct response to this question is to say, “Well, actually, I graduated from The College of Pressure with a double major in KKilojoules and Peerness, so I think I’m the perfect candidate to help you guys out with your little project!”
- “Do you want to build a pillow fort with me out of dead bodies?”
DO NOT SAY YES. If you do, you will likely get the police called on you, and be framed for murder or for being a necrophiliac. Instead, what you should do, is kill yourself too, so that you become a part of the fort. This way, you are giving back to the community and you make the fort look a million times better!
- “Hey, could you watch over my pet dragon while I go on a vacation to the Bahamas? It’ll be easy, Sniffles doesn’t bite, and he’s real friendly. When he breathes fire that means he’s happy!”
If someone asks you this question, it is imperative that you say yes and follow these instructions. Once your friend/acquaintance goes on their trip to the Bahamas (has to be the Bahamas, otherwise this won’t work), leave a single drop of Owl Tears on the nip of the dragon’s neck. After that, take a loaded glock and shoot the bastard to death. Do not ask any questions, immediately move to a different country, and drop all contact with the dragon’s “owner.”
- “Sorry if this is weird, but would it be okay if I stuck my entire forearm up your ass?”
This one is a toughie. It might seem like the answer should be up to you, but it really isn’t. It all depends on if you have an ass. If you don’t have an ass, you don’t want to expose yourself, so just pretend that you’re just not into that kinda stuff. If you do have an ass, however, you must lie and say that you don’t, that way you are supporting the assless community.
- “Do you have any allergies?”
When asked this, you must alert them if you do. If you don’t tell them that you have allergies, you could die, or worse, die while choking on the wrong kind of nut (depending on your allergy). Allergies are nothing to joke about, and are incredibly serious. Do not mess around with this one, answer truthfully - your life depends on it.
When it comes down to it, it is spelled with an I and a T. And when it comes down to eating your birth mother’s internal organ, there is a correct answer. When he pops the question on you, (what if I told you that you actually just ate your birth mother’s internal organ) you must burst into tears. Then, call up your best friend, and have her tell you that she wants to get back with her ex in order to make you vomit the internal organ back up. Once vomited, clean it, and return it to your birth mother. Unfortunately for me, my best friend, Olga Syphil, kills all her exes, and when she said she wanted to get back with her ex, she wasn’t joking, causing me to vomit up my OWN internal organ at the thought of her fucking a dead cheating piece of shit. Now I’m preserving my internal organ for the next fifty years until the tides shift and they start feeding people their adopted dad’s internal organ, so that they can use it for my child. And hopefully, when that time comes, my child will have read this list so that they can be prepared, like you.