Sometimes, it’s just not worth expending the energy to tell that one person in your sociology class that if brains were currency, they’d be a broke ass bitch. Here’s a list of little white lies you can tell them instead:
1. “That’s such a valid point!”
Say this when they say that maybe Karl Marx only hated capitalism so much because he couldn’t afford a haircut.
2. “We’ve all made that mistake!”
Say this when they’re brutally humbled by the professor after confidently recounting their visit to the Panopticon on their family vacation to Greece last summer.
3. “That’s certainly something to think about!”
Say this when they say that poor people are just naturally more likely to be criminals because rich people don’t need things, and therefore they wouldn't steal things. Follow up by agreeing that a rich person has literally never stolen anything, ever, in the history of people or money or things.
4. “Thank you for your input!”
Say this when they say that they don’t know much about counterculture, but that they prefer real marble to linoleum.
5. “Of course, that’s fine!”
Say this when they take out a full course meal and start loudly munching next to you for the entire lecture. Don’t allow your rising blood pressure to spur you into slapping the footlong sammy with extra onions right out of their dipshit face. Instead, search inside yourself for compassion and try to remember: it’s not their fault they’re such a dipshit.
6. “That makes so much sense! I have absolutely no follow up questions.”
Say this when they say that we shouldn’t allow people under 5’8” to run for public office because short people are naturally more likely to commit war atrocities.
7. “I’d love to be partners!”
Say this when you find yourself suddenly roped into the hell of professor-assigned group projects. Immediately begin the process of microdosing them with dirty tissues collected from various infirm students around campus to infect them with every possible illness by the time presentation day rolls around.
8. “I think you’d be a great social worker!”
Say this when they’ve just divulged their career plans and you can feel your faith in the human race slowly slipping through your grasp like a sad, wet clump of disintegrating gray matter. Begin mapping out your plans to befriend them and divert their major aspirations to an area in which they are undoubtedly better suited: perhaps Questrom?