When I turned 18 years old and left my mom-zie and pop-sicle for the big city, the first thing I did was change my name. It was a difficult decision, but I just knew with the new name “Lea Michelle” I’d certainly be the greatest star in New York City.
But apparently not. Even after landing the practically leading role of “Sandy” in my middle school production of Annie Jr, and also Bustopher Jones in my high school production of Cats (that’s the one James Cordon plays), I was sent away from every Broadway casting call I attended.
I was deeply saddened by their lack of taste, but it was simple: I was good–great, even–but I needed to go some place where I could be better by comparison. So, of course, I went to Boston.
When I arrived at BeanTown (an incredibly misleading name for a city of 5’5” men who cannot find the bean), I didn’t plan to turn to a life of crime. At the same time, it kinda just came naturally to me, you know, like most things do: singing, acting, a strange tingling in my left arm–just girlie things! 🤭
And, as you know, when things come to you naturally, you make them your entire identity! That’s why I decided to use my newfound powers for good: to make Broadway regret its entire existence.
At first I was just going to take the Amtrak back to New York and burn the mother-fucker down, but then I thought: “Hmmph! That’s a lotta work…. 🥺👉👈” So I decided I would just star in a leading role instead. With my obvious talent and my knack for crime, no one would ever be able to rain on my parade again.
So that’s exactly what I did. I forged a university ID and, lucky for them, auditioned for a show at Boston University! (I’d never heard of Boston University up until this point–must be a small school, idek).
As expected my audition went flawlessly and I was sure I’d be performing the hottest role in Icebreaker: The Musical in no time, but unfortunately, the creative team had other plans.
Bad ones.
And so I went to Home Depot, bought gallons and gallons of paint thinner, and poured it in every room I could find.
At first I was sad because everyone was going to escape before they saw the spontaneous flame-floor cirque de sole I was about to put on, thinking, “how am I going to impress them now!” but then I realized: “Wait a minute…. 🧐 Why burn down the theater when I could rob it first”?
And so, with the decision made to simply steal the entire theater instead, I took the remaining hostages (the cast of Icebreaker: The Musical) and, with the power of teamwork, we began, piece-by-piece, to deconstruct the entire building.
Since I was a fake resident on campus, I, luckily, could have them take it all to my Warren double for storage (I’m, like, 20% sure my roommate won’t mind) and, with the paint thinner on the floor acting like one big slip and slide, we made the moving happen in record time!
When the Booth Theater was nothing more than a husk, an empty shell where they would be utterly unable to perform Icebreaker: The Musical without me (I also burned Agganis and poured cement where the ice was, just in case! 🤭), that’s when I decided to travel back to New York.
This whole journey of self-reflection, recovery, and a little bit of arson made me realize that maybe a week ago, when I was auditioning in New York, it just wasn’t my time. But now, as I held the crumbling ashes of a hockey jersey in my hand–now, with a sacrifice for theater gods James Cordon and Cameron Dallas–Broadway would finally smile down upon me.
UPDATE: It did not. I am now in jail for burning down Broadway and Gypsy Rose Blanchard ain’t even here. Anyways.
Stay in school, kids!