Dear Diary: Ahead of my upcoming gynecologist appointment, I have a lot of unresolved fears. My friends keep telling me “It’s not that bad” and “She only has to stick one thing up there” among other things, as if that’s supposed to be some sort of calming reassurance for me. I don’t know how to tell her that I’m only willing to go to second base, and nothing more. What if she refuses my appointment or charges me extra, or something ridiculous?
I keep asking my friends how I should prepare for the appointment. They keep giving me useless advice such as “write down any concerns you may be having” and “bring along any medication.” I need help with the real questions. Should I wear my best lingerie? Do I shave in a fun pattern? I have no idea what she will be expecting of me.
The closer the appointment gets, the more nervous I am. I can feel the sweat building up all over my body. Gynecologists have always scared me. What if I don’t perform well? What if the medical equipment surrounding us is a huge turn-off? And what about that husband I found out she had when I was looking at her website? Will he be in the corner watching? What if I’m no good and he gets pissed at me?
On the day of the appointment, I woke up startled. Everything leaves me feeling unsteady on my feet. I want the appointment to go well, obviously. I don’t know exactly what I want from her, but I have decided I have to make my boundaries clear, even if she wants more. I understand that most vaginas have to be seen by a gynecologist at least once in their lifetime, and I can’t be the first to refuse “the full treatment.”
I walk in with my head held high. I am going to do this.
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Dear Diary: I am so embarrassed. I don’t even know what to say. I have made a grave error. Somewhere along the way, I have been steered into a deep misunderstanding of what a gynecologist is, and what they do. I went in, I told her I was only willing to go to second base, and you should have seen the look on her face. A few in-depth comprehensive pamphlets later, and my mortification has set in completely. Now that I have sufficiently humiliated myself, I have a lot less questions and fears. I think I am going to take a nap now, and try to shrug off this horrible, horrible miscomprehension.