From intrigued to disgusted to turned-on, Saltburn’s streaming release this winter evoked a plethora of different reactions. Personally, I felt nothing short of inspired. With the spirit of Barry Keoghan possessing me, I now bring you, humble Pinky readers, my step-by-step plan to succeed in life. It’s an investment with greater returns than any Questrom grad’s stock portfolio, so feel free to follow along with these foolproof steps to procure your fortune and have some fun along the way.
Step 1. A little known fact about Questrom students is that they tend to have birdlike mating rituals. Sit in the lobby and observe their behavior. They use the puffiness of their puffer jackets as a means to assert dominance and attract dates to fraternity mixers. You’re gonna want to find the one with the puffiest Canada Goose. That’s your target.
Step 2. When the moment is right, snip some wires on their electric scooter and offer them a ride on the back of yours (That you totally didn’t steal from the sidelines of a lacrosse practice). As they wrap their arms around you as you heroically drive them to their luxury studio, act very interested in whatever they’re saying about the stock market and their concerning political beliefs. They’ll appreciate that someone finally listened.
Step 3. As you continue to “bump into” them at the frats, sprinkle in some lies about your background for shits and gigs. For cohesion’s sake, my suggestion is to tell them the backstory for Charlie Bucket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Enthrall them with stories of 4 grandparents to a bed while you toiled in the factories in hopes of a golden-ticket scholarship to BU (but make sure you allude to the fact that it's their fault they don’t want to get off their lazy asses and work). You’ll soon earn their “fiscally conservative” pity, and eventually, they’ll invite you to spend the summer at their family’s country estate.
Step 5. (Optional) Take a bath.
Step 6. Get them to like you. Get them to trust you. Watch Superbad (2007). Enjoy the serenity of the estate as you become close with their mom and even closer with their siblings. That way, when the secret that Grandpa Joe isn't really your grandpa inevitably comes out, you’ll have already secured your place in their lives.
Step 7. Kill them off. Lace their cigs with poison and tell their family members they’re off doing yet another internship abroad for a Fortune 500 company. No one will suspect a thing. Then, slowly and surely, pick off the rest of their family members, being sure to play the long game and cover your tracks well.
Step 8. (Also optional) Visit their grave to mourn in a perfectly normal way! We love healthy coping mechanisms!
Step 9. Profit and Repeat. Inherit their estate. Hopefully by now, you’ve subliminally picked up on those valuable Questrom grindset skills. Put them to use! Become a landlord! Rent their estate out as an Airbnb! Fish symbolic rocks out of the river! Invest in stocks! Start a Roth IRA! Dance around in the nude! And finally, complete your hero’s journey by buying the puffiest, most obscenely priced puffer jacket on the market and assert your dominance over Questrom once and for all.