It's coming. Lock your doors. Delete instagram. Turn your ad blockers on. I'M coming for any and all of you who plan to post a “my person <3<3” instagram sticker on 2/14/2023.
I’m not being particularly discriminatory this Wednesday, anyone who's smiling, holding flowers, or yapping about their dinner date to the North End is feeling my wrath. Few people are safe but they include: anyone in Mugar because I know you don’t get any bitches and the girls smoking on the floor of the CFA bathroom - I know you tried so hard but the com girls still don’t know if they're gay or not and that was not your fault pooks.
To be honest, I'm booked for the day. My dnd will be on and don’t even think about hitting Notify Anyway. I'm stockpiling watermelon Barefoot and cured meats because there's just no time for the dining hall or a CityCo hit.
7am-10:45am: Arson
It’s important to start your day off right. My horoscope keeps telling me if I wake up and run, all my problems will evaporate. Today’s the day I try. Arson is tricky business, but the real kicker is that Google Maps has it out for me and I will undoubtedly get lost so I’ve allotted 4 hours for this excursion! Bright and early I'll jog down to the North End and carefully plant my bomb, constructed from my Brita and the Sleeper Hall ResLife vacuum, into the Mike’s Pastry dessert case. I’ll smack that red button with no hesitation, queue “Linger”, and pull a little green pistachio cookie out from behind my ear while I hop on the T back home.
11am-3:30pm: Yearning, Longing, Pining
I'm getting munchy but according to the itinerary it’s time for some dedicated yearning. Productive yearning, longing, and pining is best paired with a good long rot. Go through your snap memories, listen to “Waiting Room” on loop, open that box under your bed. I’ll be lying on my bed in unwashed sheets staring at the ceiling after a split screen watching of the All Too Well short film and tiktoks from those awful accounts that compile cute couple videos. You know you're doing it right when you wake up in a groggy daze and fall right back asleep like an unnamed-beautifully-disheveled-art-history-graduate narrator from a wealthy wasp family attempting a year of rest and relaxation.
4pm: 8 dollar iced matcha and iron deficiency caused fainting spell
5pm-11:55pm: Vehicular Manslaughter
Now I know you’re saying “Ava you don’t have a car. You’re from seattle.'' Don't worry babygirl, I got it covered. The BU Bus will never see it coming. I “Never Forgot”. In fact I Learned Something… After I hijack the BUBus I’ll pick up a lucky couple sucking face at BU Beach and hit a sharp left back onto Comm Ave. Ever heard of a little something called the Trolley Problem? Expect delays on the T as someone’s boyf will be pink-furry-handcuffed to the Boston College track and 5 poor Sargent kids to the Government Center track. I’ll tell the bus full of kids missing their 6:15 pm lab that I really need help with my philosophy 101 homework then jump onto a scooter into the post-lax practice stampede as BUBus catches a last glance of me mewing before I disappear into the night.
11:55 pm-12 am: Atonement
I know that we get swept up in the commercialization of Valentine’s day but I was recently reminded that 2/14 is also Ash Wednesday. As a practicing ASMR listener, shifter, and reading of catholic-cult-escape stories, I’ll stop by Marsh Chapel to leave a picture of a deer wearing a bow and whisper to the universe “don’t forget, I’m just a girl” which of course removes me from all legal accountability to my crimes.
I hope all you Pinky fans’ Valentine’s Day is just as joyous and fulfilling as mine, unless you’re in a relationship. Then I hope you die.