Fighting for your life, head to butthole, sweat dripping down your forehead. You squeeze and squeeze, almost giving yourself a hernia, it just can't come out.
But then, a glimpse of hope. You can feel it coming, finally revealing itself. However, you hear the creaking of the communal bathroom door the familiar sound of the squeak of someone's shower shoes and you stop. Your poop slowly retreats in, surrendering to your own anxiety. All the progress you made is gone, all because of your crippling poop anxiety. Now you sit, suffering, regretting your warren dining dinner.
But I say no more.
I understand the fear, anxiety, the constant worrying about whether or not they can tell that you're pooping. What I want to say is me too. I’m here with you, and I understand. But what we need to say is Me Poo. We the people, to form a more perfect union of the floor, must come together and conquer our fears. We should not be mentally bound by our bowel movements. I declare the movement: Me Poo.
Every man, woman, and non-binary person, deserves life, liberty, and the poop-suit of happiness. This means loudly, proudly pooping in the communal restrooms. If you need to shart, do it. If you need to grunt, do it. If you need to let out an eardrum-shattering scream, do it. It is our inalienable right to poop. And Me Poo wants to create an accepting, supportive space that allows everyone to actualize this right fully.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all poops are created equal. That means we support and accept our brethren even if we are brushing our teeth while they are blowing up the toilet. As Benjamin Franklin once said, “there never was a good war, or a bad [poop]”.
As our founding fathers support the right to poop freely, so should you. Join us in saying Me Poo, so that way We Poo.
Your Obedient Servant,
M. Gilby