After a completely inexplicable mixup occurred at 881 Commonwealth Ave, the affected student has been asked to give her statement on the artificial insemination situation for legal reasons. She wanted to tell her story in a tribute to the first and only BU baby.
Dear BU Baby,
They said they would give me extra dining points to not sue so here we are. I didn’t want this to have to happen. To be honest, I didn’t even want a pap smear. But as luck would have it, my Patient Connect gave me a co-pay and brought me to you.
Once I knew you were coming, my whore moans turned into hormones and I became a respectable soon-to-be milf. I enrolled in the PDP class “Giving Birth on the Charles River.” I knew I was gonna go with a natural water birth, and if I’m lucky, you’ll come out as a D1 Rowing athlete. I watched every episode of Jane the Virgin, but not only did it make me sad cause I’m bitchless, but I don’t even know who your father is! Could it be slutty daddy Troye Sivan? Or hottie mama Troye Sivan?
Some club set up a gender reveal on COM Lawn, where the erect fountain was supposed to change the water color to pink or blue. My friend said I would make a good boy mom so that basically means I am an asshole. We actually still have no idea the results because no one has cleaned the water filters in years so it looks like you’re gonna be a baby Grinch.
And your name? Well, I’ve been cooking. I wanted something that screamed resilience, beauty, and grace. Boston University will be welcoming Rhettleighy Beyoncé this fall.
There are just a few days before your due date now, and I wanted to say that Mommy loves you no matter what (except if you come out with a tail, I’m killing myself). I have to go on unpaid maternity leave now, so that means I’m taking a gap semester but I am still paying tuition. Make it make sense.
Love, Mommy