No, like seriously…
So basically, the show takes place in a world where the Earth exists in the same universe as a race of magical aliens with gems at the center of their bodies which are just manifestations of light. The gem race comes from a place called Homeworld, and they’re led by the Diamond Authority which consists of three tall ass cunty bad bitches (one of them is literally voiced by Patti Lupone) and one little runt named Pink Diamond. Now the Diamonds use the resources on their planet to create more gems to be their followers and fulfill specific duties and they go around colonizing other planets to use their resources to make more gems. The story arch of the show itself begins when the Diamonds try to conquer Earth.
Pink Diamond was like the baby of the Diamonds and didn’t have any colonies that she was in charge of so like the whiny bitch she was, she literally begged to have her own colony. The other three Diamonds gave her Earth, but she literally got bored right away cause it wasn’t as interesting as she thought it was gonna be.
During the time that she was commanding the colony, one of her Rose Quartz soldiers goes rogue because she just loves all of the organic life forms on Earth and starts a rebellion to try and win Earth’s freedom. She rallies a bunch of rebel gems together calling themselves the Crystal Gems and they fight for like a couple thousand years and eventually Rose Quartz SHATTERS Pink Diamond (which basically is like the only way to kill these immortal beings). The rebellion ends up winning the war, but the other three Diamonds get really mad cause their sister/kid (idk) Pink Diamond is dead and unleash the ultimate attack on earth which takes out literally every gem on earth except Rose Quartz and the three other gems she can hide behind her shield.
Rose Quartz and her besties, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl all live on Earth for another couple of thousand years and eventually Rose falls in love with this human named Greg Universe. Props to Greg for bagging an 8ft tall pink haired curvy alien diva. Rose then decides that she wants to like have a kid with Greg even though that's unheard of and makes our main character, the half gem half human Steven Universe (roll credits, jk, I’m nowhere near done) and as a result gives up her physical form. RIP.
So the show starts following Steven who’s kind of in uncharted territory because he’s the first ever gem human hybrid. We follow along on his journey as he learns to control the powers that he inherited from his mother, like her shield and healing powers. On his journey he is mentored by the remaining three Crystal Gems Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl who all love him but are also kinda sad that baddie b Rose Quartz is gone. Steven meets a pink lion that was somehow connected to his mom which also has a whole dimension in his mane where Rose Quartz kept secrets. The Diamonds are also still pissed at Rose Quartz so the Crystal Gems have to thwart a few plans to destroy the Earth and make some new friends along the way. Then in search of answers, Steven goes to the place where his mom shattered Pink Diamond and what do you know, Blue Diamond is there and abducts his dad. The Crystal Gems have to go into space to save Greg and this really pisses off the Diamonds and then they send two gems to abduct a bunch of humans that Steven mentioned in a previous episode. Steven being the selfless main character he is, turns himself in for his friends’ freedom. Also one of his human friends, Lars, hid on the abduction ship and still got captured like a loser.
Steven gets taken to space and put on trial as Rose Quartz for killing Pink Diamond and his lawyer is like “yo this doesn’t make sense, how could Rose Quartz have even killed Pink Diamond? Why wasn’t anyone protecting her” and Steven is all like “Wait a minute, he’s got a point.” But this just makes the Diamonds angry so Steven takes Lars and manages to escape into the deep caves of Homeworld. They meet some other rebel gems who the Diamonds want dead and Lars dies protecting them, but Steven brings him back to life with his tears and Lars turns purple and gets magic hair that connects to the same dimension as lion’s mane and Steven uses it to go home. Then they lowkey act like everything is normal as if Steven wasn’t just abducted into the far recesses of space. Steven learns from Pearl, Rose’s sworn secret keeper and attendant that ROSE QUARTZ WAS ACTUALLY PINK DIAMOND AND FAKED HER OWN DEATH. Crazy right? I know.
After this, Yellow and Blue Diamond come to Earth to fuck shit up but Steven is like, “Wait, I’m literally Pink Diamond.” And Yellow and Blue are like “Slay, you’re not dead” and they all go back to Homeworld together.
Then there’s kinda drama because the Diamonds aren't actually fully happy with Steven being Pink Diamond so they throw him in jail for a bit and all of them beef. The White Diamond pulls Steven’s gem out of his stomach cause she wants the regular Pink Diamond back but it doesn’t work and the gem just turns into a Pink Steven that refuses with him. Then they decide to love him like he’s the real Pink Diamond and then happily ever after.
There’s like a whole movie and another sequel show after that but I’ll spare you the details of that. Anyway…what were we doing?