Happy Galentine’s: Top 5 Places to See Drunk Straight Girls Kissing

I can’t believe you actually opened this article you sick freak. It’s bad enough that women are treated as objects for pleasure, but the fetishization of lesbians and other wlws is too much. I simply won’t stand for the patriarchy to minimize the pure and loving relationships between-

Ok. They’re gone now, meaning political correctness can get thrown to the wind. For everyone who wants to know the hot spots for straight girls who just wish with all their hearts that they’re gay and want to avoid those areas, you’ve come to the right place. 

5) A random frat basement

You don’t even really know how or why you ended up there. Still, something is thrilling about waiting to see whether or not the pledge they stuck at the front door can identify your raging gay face and turn you away or if he’s oblivious and immediately lets you in because he thinks you may fuck him (you won’t. obviously). Tonight, the latter occurs, and you begin your descent into hell. You can’t recognize the song playing. Not because you’re too gay to function, but because you genuinely haven’t been to one of these things in a year and haven’t had to study the frat’s playlist. You and your friends settle in a comfortable spot by the speakers, but a particularly harsh bass drop causes you to bump into someone. Or, two someones. Two girls are attached at the lips, sweaty bodies and messy hair be damned! And you first think, good for them, and prepare to go on your merry way because it is rude to stare. Until you hear one of them say “My boyfriend is so going to love this.” And then you see the other one nod in agreement and gesture toward said boyfriend, who is grinning like… I don’t know what really men are always smiling for no good reason. Either way, he’s probably going to ask them for a threesome, and straighties one and two are going to say “gross” and ignore that they weren’t just macking against a wall that has the possibility of spreading an STI.

4) Amory Park

The dogs, the open field, the day drinking at a sorority retreat it’s the perfect trifecta! I don’t have much to say about this, just that their day of sisterly bonding got real incestuous, real fast… and you unfortunately had to witness it during your relaxing day at the park.

3) A booth at T Anthony’s

You viewed this as a safe zone. Drunk or not, there’s something about their mozzarella sticks and huge slices of pizza that feel like home. That is until you turn to your left. Two bottle blondes are staring intensely into each other's eyes. Across the table from them, three men with the most punchable faces you saw are egging them on. To do what? You don’t know. That is, until hands begin to stroke cheeks, lips begin to lock, and- Woah sorry. Got a little hot over here. Anyways, before you know it, they’re all laughing uncontrollably, your order is getting called, and the bubble has burst.

2) The jumbotron at a sports game.

Poor bisexuals get accused of being greedy and doing the whole “liking multiple genders” thing as a way to get attention, but I’m a firm believer that God should take away the most annoying bisexual’s pain and suffering and give it to the girl who kisses her friends to keep all eyes on her. And she sure got what she wished for, because the cameraman kept his equipment focused on her seat so that during every break, every time out, and any possible moment he didn’t need to show the players on the screen he could show the worst girl in the world give the sloppiest kiss to her friend. I mean, I don’t mean to get heterophobic, but there are kids here! Keep that to yourself! 

1)  TitS

I’ve never been there, and for good reason. Too many Comm Ave characters, too deep into Allston, and honestly, I couldn’t get in if I wanted to. My underage status has prevented me from entering what BU students view as Mecca despite it being the exact opposite of halal. Even with its rave reviews and the fact that it’s universally loved, Tavern in the Square is accurately referred to as TitS, and that’s exactly what the straight girl from your creative writing class is going to be rubbing. Unfortunately, there’s something less than satisfying when you realize she isn’t doing it for her lesbian lover, but the other straight girl from your creative writing class. At least now you’ll have some inspo for your next assignment. Just make sure you change their names.