Ferment With Me! Sealing Myself In An Airtight Jar Filled With Pickle Brine

Ava Carrel

Hey what’s up you guys! *enthusiastic influencer gesturing* Over the last few weeks we’ve had a depressing election, a  second wave of midterms, and I lost my airpods, so you could say I’ve been feeling low. So I decided it was time for a little self-care day. Mental. Health. Matters. For men too. But they’re getting a lot of publicity about that recently so lets hold space for me instead.

I thought about a spa day or a nice massage but then it came to me. What could be more relaxing than a bubbly, dill-infused fermentation period! Instructions on this recipe say to begin with a nice mason jar that’s clear enough to check on your progress. This week I’ll be using the BUild lab as my container of choice! It’s transparent and clearly labeled so i wont get lost in the fridge.

Next, I’ll be using a brining liquid of 1 part water, 1 part vinegar, blah blah blah fuck this recipe why are you telling me what to do?? Today I’ll be adding 400 litres of Charles River water, however much salt is on the sidewalks, and battery acid from all the smoke detectors across campus because I like a pickle with a real sour bite. And of course some fresh dill!

As I slip into the green, cold, somewhat chunky (I think the batteries were expired) I feel an instant wave of relaxation wash over me. I can feel healing properties of mercury seeping into me, the gut-biome-fluencer on wellness-tok was telling me all about them. I sink to the bottom and feel the dill tickle my toes and the soothing salt exfoliation begin eroding my bunions away.

Yes. I’m sure. This is exactly what I needed. I feel better already. I paddle through the chartreuse colored waves and seal the lab up. Air would hinder the fermentation process and make me a floppy, acrid, spoiled mess.

Once I get bubbly and the green seeps into my skin enough to make me sour yet refreshingly sharp and witty, take me out and enjoy on a nice juicy burger, gluten free tuna melt, fruit roll up with chamoy, or just maybe a sunny Boston day.