Breaking news all queers and queens: do you indulge in Troye Sivan’s RUSH a little too much? Do you spend your weekends in the Reddit Goon Cave equivalent for gays? Have you been taking “huffing and sucking” a little too seriously? Well maybe it's time to reconsider your career path. Recent experts in the poppers field have been warning consumers of a new and potentially dangerous strain of amyl nitrite appearing off the market. That's right, you won’t find Poppers 2.0 (as the scientists are calling them) in any old run of the mill sex shop. On the contrary, it seems as if Poppers 2.0 has been simply appearing inside the homes of afflicted individuals. According to eye witness descriptions, the general feel, shape, and look of the bottles is the same, but that on inhalation, there is a distinct burnt smell opposed to its more traditional eau de cleaning product. While the exact number of appearances is unknown, it seems as if cases are on the rise.
Reports of the effects of these new poppers vary case to case, but the most common side effects seem to be: heightened blood pressure, quickened heartbeat, headache or stomach ache, deep curling existential dread, a sudden awareness of the universe and your place inside it, spontaneous combustion, and death. Experts are warning local queer clubs to ban the little black bottles, and advise personal users to dispose of any and all poppers in their possession lest they confuse their own purchases for the “placed” bottle.
While the media hasn’t been the swiftest to jump on these cases, or even link them at all, the throughline of queer youth in larger cities across the globe spontaneously falling ill is enough to raise suspicion for those who observe. Though unconfirmed: there’s a rising suspicion that the targets of P 2.0 are not just the queer community, but the population as a whole. Unfortunately, it seems when the average Joe encounters an inconspicuous bottle labeled Rush, their first instinct is to dispose of it rather than snort it and see what happens!
Protocol if any amount of Poppers 2.0 appears in your house:
- It is better to dispose of the bottle immediately, without opening it. It may be tempting to pour the contents down the drain, but until further scientific research can be done to explore the effects of P 2.0 on the city's water supply, it is better to simply toss the bottle out with your trash on trash day.
- If the bottle, or a different bottle persists on appearing inside your home, do not attempt to throw it away again. Instead, it is important that you do not look at it. This may be hard at first, as the bottle wishes for you to acknowledge it, but you must resist. If there are small children or pets in the house, cover the bottle up: this will alleviate the pressure to watch it by just enough to stay safe.
- If you, or a family member comes into direct contact with the liquid inside the bottle, you must remain calm, and exit your home or nearby area. It will be easiest if you are as far away from your loved ones as possible.
- Stay up to date! The most important thing you can do during this time is to stay wary, and keep your television or radio nearby at all times to remain fully up to date on the progression of P 2.0. Remember, Ḏ̷͚̠̻̖̹͖̘̣̻̹̋̐̄̀͘͜ͅͅǫ̴̢̪̞͈̮̺̺̊͐̉̓͋̅́̑͌̏̀̊̓̌͝ ̶̛̥̠̮̞̼̘͓̳͉̰̬̼̼̳̽̓͑̇̎̌͛̆̅̊̿́̕̚ņ̴̲̠̤͖͉̺̜̜̦͔̒͛͛̂̃̕ớ̵̬̀̓ṫ̵̜̭̗́̀͆̈́͆̆̀͜ ̴̡̟̯̻̝͍̙̻͊̂̿̎̆̊́̌̓͘͘ͅg̴̝͖͚̹̳͙̫̯̫̈́͑̑̑̈́̏̌̄́͝ỏ̴͚͔͉̓́̈́ͅ ̴͉̲̺̦̫̻̼̀͜͜ͅo̵͇̼͆͂ǘ̴̡̞̝̞̆̅́̈́́͘͝ͅt̴̳́͛̅̈́̋̏̂̅̑̚͜ş̶͚͖̗͕̅̎̏̔̈̋̾̂̃̚į̴̛͎̻͖̬̺͙̖̉̈́̈́͠͠ͅd̵̢̨̢̨̜̜̩̼̜̬͇̗̺̩̽͜
ḛ̶̘̜͙̥̥̹̩̹̪̾̿̂̈́̕D̴̝̘̰͉̅̓̃̿͊̓͊̌̐O̶̡͖̭͚͙̬̖͍̩̎͑̊̏̓̅̐̆̀͠ ̴̥̲̗̙̭̜̩̩̉͆͗͛̃͊͊Ņ̶̲͕̩̟͈̭̺̲͆̆̀͐̈́͝͝O̵̧̲͚͑͂́̅͋̓̓̈̆͛̅̕͘T̴̗͕̯͎̉̂̓̅ ̸̦̻̪̭̞̰͕͎̹̱̘͔̘͑̀̀̓̕G̵̨̟̫̪̝̤̗̫̼̣̥̎̓̋̀Ò̷̥̫̻̗̤̈́̃̽̎̅̈̿̚͝ ̷̡̲̺̥̟̥̯͈̜̳̓̉̀̎̂̍͛̉̍Ǫ̶̛̛̟͓̳͈͌̈́̔̀̒̑͘͜͠͝U̷̮͕̗͌͗̃̽̊̂̔͗͌͜͜ͅŢ̸̗͍̹͓̲̯̤̱̗̜̙͖͇̄̈́͗Ŝ̵͓͚̬͓̳̙̟̯͎͂̒̃̏̀͐͠Í̸̧̦̞̫͙̪͇̌͛̒̾D̴̯͎̹̘̰̲̮̗̦͖̖̫̝̥̈́̆̇̿͒́͗̓̃́͋͋̃͝͝E̶̮̋͂̓̍̑̾̎̏͘͝͠