Everyone has interesting roommate relationships. I know so many people who won’t even room with their best friend because of how it could impact their friendship, but never did I think that this could possibly apply to me. Going from a forced quad in Warren with three Mormon roommates to a South Campus apartment-style dorm with my best friend was one of the greatest transitions of my life, second only to transgenderism. Things had been going great! Until… she started acting kinda weird.
She’s a really talented cook, but I wasn’t sure what recipe would require eye of newt and tail of rat. Plus, I woke up to her cutting off a chunk of my hair the other night while giggling like a scary ass child in a horror movie, but I thought she was just ovulating. Her newest Amazon order consisted of a huge black cauldron (that’s, quite frankly, taking up a lot of space in our kitchen) and a jar of eyeballs that maintain eye contact as you move. Golly, they really give me the heebie-jeebies!
At first, it could be chalked up to her simply getting her silly on, like when she randomly blows her weed smoke in my face. But when you come home to your place completely dark except for an eerie light emanating from the bathroom and ominous chanting playing on her bluetooth speaker, you start to think: gee whiz, something odd is going on.
It was only when I opened the bathroom door to find her burning an effigy in my likeness over a bubbling substance in our bathtub while speaking in tongues that I realized something: why the fuck was she using the bathtub if she just got a perfectly good cauldron?? Girl I shower in here!
Nonetheless, she’s still a pretty good roommate. She doesn’t leave her dirty cauldrons and potions bottles in the sink, and her scary mole is growing in nicely! She makes sure the hair growing out of it is regularly trimmed. Sometimes I do feel like she’s watching me and when I catch her doing so, she’s making bizarre hand movements and says she’s “definitely not casting spells,” but I think she’s brushing up on her ASL :) I keep having the strange urge to venmo her my savings… I guess I just love being her friend that much!
EUREKA! I’ve figured it out! She’s converting to Mormonism! Fiddlesticks, I really can’t go through this again. I guess I’m going to have to try to get a single for next year.