Asking The Comm Ave Scientologists If They Can Cure My Ligma

First and foremost I would like to extend my thanks to my dear roommate Abby. Her fascination with scientology is truly one to be admired. Yes, I know how that sounds…but fear not\! They’re not gonna get her\!\!\! I WON’T let them. To lose my dear Abby (okayyy dear abbeys reference. They were recently on my tik tok fyp and I got just a little bit scared\!) to those freaks would be the tragedy of a lifetime. Yes, the offer of a free personality test is tempting to the astrologically inclined, but if anyone can evade the grasps of the church of scientology’s sticky little fingers, it’s her. Abby is the one who first put this idea into my head. We were waiting for the T late one night, trekking home to our west campus abode after an unsuccessful journey on which we were unable to find either the northern lights OR Mr. Beast. What a night that was. Anyways. We were standing there as we do and she pondered out loud, “Hmmm. I wonder if the Scientologists can cure my ligma.” And oh boy did I spring to my feet\! How had I never thought of this? I’d searched far and wide, high and low for a cure for my, nay, OUR affliction, to no avail. My valiant efforts came up inconclusive. Until now, that is… Listen. Say what you will about scientology, but those sons of bitches sure do know how to answer a question. That’s like their whole deal. I think. Who’s to say\! Are their answers good? Well no\! Do they make sense? Well…no\! But I’ll take any answers I can get. And who in the world could have more knowledge, more sage wisdom than Xenu him(her? Their? it?)self, dictator of the Galactic Confederacy. I sat him down for a little conversation and believe you me, if I could share with you the wisdom that Xenu graciously imparted upon me, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I fear you must reach Operating Thetan Level III ☹. I mean I’ll try, but read at your own risk, you MIGHT die spontaneously of pneumonia. That would be a bummer. 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something after reading this, DON’T come crying to me\! I warned you.