It's pledge season, which means it's more than likely that your mid-shit Instagram stalk-sesh will put you face-to-face with a picture of 20+ identical Alpha Sigma Sigma girls in matching shirts and cowboy hats. And as you sit there on the toilet, the judgment behind their unsettling smiles and unbreaking eye contact might just be enough to send you spiraling.
I’ve recently realized, however, that my loathing of sorority girl Instagram posts may reveal a deep-seated sense of insecurity in my own friendships😁. So armed with a slightly bruised ego and a bag of dill pickle flavored sunflower seeds from Cityco, I boarded the T and set out to change that.
I decided to let fate (the primal desire to collect rewards stamps at Caffe Nero) decide where to disembark and begin my journey. It brought me to Boylston Station (derogatory), and after getting my Caffe Nero fix, I sat down on a bench in the Common. I pulled out my copy of The Catcher in the Rye, acting mysterious in hopes of befriending some stray Emerson girls that might, at worst, talk to me about the musical Waitress, and at best, take me to see Dune 2.
As I waited, I contemplated why I was on this journey after all. Could it be a desire, deep down, for real sisterhood on a campus filled with such artificial connections? Or perhaps there was simply a subliminal message behind those pink cowboy hat clad faces strategically designed to make you feel just a little bit worse about yourself. Either way, it became clear that sitting on this bench waiting for a theater major to come up to me probably wasn’t the best path to sisterhood anyways, so the whole thing was to no avail.
Defeated, I tore open the bag of dill pickle sunflower seeds and prepared myself for a treacherous passage home (give or take 30 minutes on the Green Line). All of a sudden, I heard a chatter in front of me. Could this be the theater major I was waiting for, getting into character for a role in Spongebob: The Musical? Looking around, I was slightly disappointed to see that it was only a squirrel, staring up at me in a strangely human-like manner.
The whole situation should have put me on edge, but something in its gaze was…. comforting? I
scattered some seeds in front of me as an offering of sorts. Us pitiful creatures must stick together, right? As I turned to leave, I was startled to see that there were now 3 squirrels looking at me. I stared back at them.
After an uncomfortably long period of time, they nodded to each other and began to sing.
“We’ve been waiting for you all winter, and we’re so glad you’re finally here,” they started, soon transitioning into an acapella version of “Single Ladies” by Beyonce. When they finished their song, they introduced themselves as Squittney, Squeanette, and Squeleanor - a Chipettes cover band and the recruitment directors for Delta Acorn, Boston Common’s first and only squirrel-rority.
“Are you a PNM?” they asked, still staring up at me.
“Uh… sure?” I replied, making a mental note to learn these acronyms at some point.
“Okay! You’re in!” Squeleanor replied. “Welcome to Delta Acorn!”
“Isn't there supposed to be a whole process? Don’t I have to be a squirrel?” I thought to myself, when all of a sudden, the three squirrels let out a loud chatter, inviting a flood of others to swarm around the bench. With a slightly less comforting look on each of their little faces, I remained completely still as they began to crawl up my legs. Before long, I was covered head to toe with squirrels and with a cue from Squittney, they started biting.
I began to panic, but quickly stopped. I knew this part… initiation, hazing, right? Soon, it’d be over and my squirrelhood would be set in stone. As I began to feel lightheaded, the fear of rabies seemed to subside, and I wept… not from the pain of being mauled by bloodthirsty squirrels, but by the overwhelming feeling that this right here? This is true sisterhood.