Addison Rae: Viewing Bitchy Girls from High School through a Cunty Lens
By Piper Hope
On my first day of high school I saw this girl, Lauren, walk into my gym class with a hot pink tank top, cheetah mini print skirt, blown out beachy waves, fake tan, and a FULL BEAT. It was 9:00 AM. This affected me on a spiritual level, because I knew that she was a bitchy rich girl from the suburbs who already had a white Jeep despite being fourteen, but I also knew immediately that what this girl was doing was CUNT. Like I was so taken aback by the amount of time this look must have taken in the morning that I was starting to consider it performance art. As freshman year continued I was gagged by her looks daily, her full mint green lululemon set blinded me, she would pull from her endless supply of tennis skirts at least twice a week.
Soon I learned Lauren had a best friend named Lexi, who also would never leave the house without at LEAST ten layers of mascara. She was great because at one point she worked for a Herbalife smoothie bowl place where all of the smoothies weren't made with real fruit, they were made with Herbalife powder. I once watched her take five minutes to cut up one banana. Lexi also, during deep covid, made a series of Tik Toks where she pretended to have lost her arm in a shark attack.
With the advent of the Addison Raenaissance I have come to realize that all of this lore I have on Lauren and Lexi is incredibly Addison Rae coded. Addison went from doing the renegade (was that her or charli? Does it matter?) in Texas to giggling on stage with Arca in Berlin, and this is now a future I see for Lauren and Lexi. Their COMMITMENT to serving maximalist bitch cunt was undeniable and if they could get a little bit more nonbinary, boom instant DJ career. Before freshman year homecoming Lauren didn’t come to school for three days because her spray tan was so strong she couldn’t be seen in public before it baked into her skin for a few days. And then she wore an orange dress that practically blended in with her skin. Lauren could do Diet Pepsi but I DON’T think Addison can pull off that maneuver. If we can just get them at the Met Gala, and also make the theme camp again, I guarantee that something huge would happen.
We NEED to start cuntifying the bitchy girls from highschool and making them into Paris Hilton level gay icons. It would fix homophobia, it would turn their insults into reads, it would create world peace.